Runaway a mothers journey through the darkness

Runaway

Can’t believe I want to run,

That I don’t want to be a Mum,

I need to leave him safely here,

Deal with my guilt and hurt and fear,

What an awful person I am,

Things are not going according to plan,

I hate myself for feeling this way,

So numb, so desperate, so very grey,

I wish I had had a crystal ball,

Unveiling the grey to reveal all,

That given time I would feel love,

And I would begin again to feel good,

That I would realise I was very unwell,

Down to the way the fated cards fell,

On that day he entered this earth,

And slowly again I would feel my worth,

The light would begin to brightly shine,

And I would finally feel that he’s mine,

And I would no longer blame myself,

For all those strange feelings that I had once felt,

This illness it made me feel so cold,

His birth made me feel so very old,

But my youth has returned and with it my light,

And I am so glad I chose to put up a fight,

The journey’s been long the fight has been hard,

I have been left bruised, battered and scarred,

But I will use this to help you to see,
Even though now you might not believe me,
You will feel like the person you were before,

You will be strong and feisty once more,

You will again laugh, dance and smile,

And you’ll share all of this with your beautiful child.

2 years on from PTSD

So My little man is about to be 2 years old.

Back when he was tiny I remember people saying to me 'enjoy it, it will rush by and you will miss that baby stage." I remember very clearly thinking, "you're all completely mad!" How anyone could think those first few months were lovely was beyond me. I was exhausted, anxious and stressed. I felt incredibly guilty for desperately mourning my old life and just couldn't see a time when I would enjoy being a Mummy.

These feelings were so far removed from what had expected to feel. Just before my son was born I would buy baby magazines dreaming about how wonderful it would be to choose his little outfits, to teach him things and to dance in the mirror holding him. I identified with the shining examples of motherhood emblazoned on the covers of these magazines.

After I had had my son, I was sure that I had been lied to. I hated to see those same magazines and felt completely duped. I found those first few weeks and months horrendous. I know now that it was worse because I was so unwell and that the PTSD had fogged my mind and was making me feel everything in a heightened state. When people would tell me how much I should enjoy him I felt like punching them... If only I could enjoy him!

But as the fog cleared I began to feel those trickles of love, his first smile made me smile, his first laugh made me laugh and the first kiss made me melt. The fog lifted slowly and my confidence began to return and I began to feel a little more like myself. As my son grew older people continued to tell me that I would miss that baby stage. However, I shocked people with my response, the more confident me would simply say "No I won't... it was shit!" I would usually qualify this by saying how much I enjoy him now, how I love teaching him things and how I adore dancing around the living room with him. But I have to say I have never picked up a kids magazine since he was born... maybe it's time to cross that bridge too.

Oh how we laughed through the tears

So just a quickie today ... just to say, I have mentioned the stupid amounts of blood, the anaemia, the leaky boobs, the lack of oxytocin, the cracked nipples, the sleepless nights, the anxiety, the scaremongering, the frantic shopping, the PND, the PTSD, the wee bag and catheter (maybe I didn't mention that - but who wants to hear about going home with a tube dangling from you like a female willy?)

But did I mention the tearing? The stitches? The fact that I had to sit on a children's blow up beach ring for weeks to even be able to sit down? And some lady has to come in and examine said stitches every week. Prudishness is a no, no after birth! Oh how we laughed... well actually no I didn't laugh. I sobbed into my dark space through the shame of it all. I wanted to crawl into the corner and let the ground swallow me up. I desperately wanted to go back to the sassy thirtysomething that I had been before all this had changed me forever.

But just so you know, I look back now and kinda laugh a bit. I mean the whole thing is absurd. Why we go into birthing thinking it will be a lovely experience and that we can all do it naturally, I just don't know. A broken arm heals naturally but we don't go in and say "Please no drugs, my body is a temple." If our child breaks their arm we wouldn't dream of saying "No drugs for him, please. We wouldn't want the little mite to feel dopey."

Seriously, well done to all those of you that did it naturally. I am pleased for you but also seething with jealousy inside We who did not have that experience had it a bit ruff, so please, let us take the drugs next time, if we want to.

A story of recovery from PTSD

Here is bit more of a sentimental overview of the story so far...Can't be cracking jokes all the time!

My husband & I were so happy to hear we were 6 weeks pregnant at our first scan.  

It was really early days so we kept things to ourselves,

I was adamant I would not get too excited as I knew the statistics. 

But as the weeks passed our hopes & dreams grew,

So we told our parents, grandparents, our brothers & sisters & we told our closest friends,

At the next scan I was nervous,

As they scanned I held my husbands hand tight,

The silence during the scan unnerved me… so I held tighter,

I willed her not to say those words… and then I heard them,

I’m sorry… I can’t find a heartbeat,

I looked up and saw my husband’s heart breaking,

He held me close as I sobbed.

Then I phoned my mother & I heard her heart break for us. 

We went home to an emptiness & a sadness.

I thought a thing like that would break me. 

And although I was very sad I reminded myself of all the things I still had

And after a few weeks the sadness started to lift. 

My friends who knew were amazing, I told others friends too, 

For me, having their support helped me to heal

My husband & I decided to really enjoy the time we had together,  

We booked a trip to Thailand

We became even closer as a couple & we got through it 

And 6 months later .. I became pregnant again! 

We were happy again, but anxious

After our 20 week scan I started to believe we would really have a little baby, 

I got really excited

When my waters broke I was calm

My labour was long & things were not straightforward.

Our baby’s heart rate started dropping, 

When I finally pushed our baby out he made one tiny choked cry & then he stopped

They rushed him away onto the resuscitation table

It seemed like an emergency as lots of people in rushed into the room

I didn't want to lose this baby, I felt like I was breaking inside,

I couldn't hold him, & no-one could tell us what was happening, 

Something inside me closed shut,

And then he was laid on my chest,

He was warm, he wasn't crying but he was wriggling

I heard them distantly telling me: ‘Your baby is fine he just needed his airways clearing’

But something in me didn't believe it. 

I was very unwell after the birth, I could hardly stand so I was kept in hospital

I now know the hospital let me down very badly, because they did not have enough staff

We had to fight to get the correct care for both me and our baby

In those first few days I whispered guiltily to my husband ‘I don’t feel how I should about the baby’ 

He told me it was probably because I was feeling so unwell 

He re-assured me that the feelings would come and that they sometimes take time

I went home hardly able to take care of myself let alone my baby

My parents came to stay, 

Everyone helped as I could not stand for long, as I was so poorly 

The anaemia often overwhelmed me & I felt scared that I might drop my baby or fall with him

I had a hugely heightened sense of anxiety 

I felt that something could happen to him

I became obsessed with making him & everyone around him safe

The guilt, that I couldn't care for him, started to consume me

Everything seemed grey, 

I sometimes thought everyone would be better off if I walked away,

I wished we could go back to how things were before, 

Now life seemed so difficult & tiny things, like leaving the house with my baby, filled me with dread

I did not know how I had become this fearful person when I had previously been so confident

My husband was amazingly supportive & loving even though he was exhausted. 

He had taken on a huge amount of the responsibility along with my parents,  

But even he seemed lost as to what was happening to me or what to do

Others thought I just had the baby blues & that I’d come out of it,

In between, we had all the usual visits from the all the grandparents, aunties, uncles and family

I would go through the motions of being a new mummy

I cuddled him, cooed, smiled at him, 

As I started to get physically better I played with him, sang to him, 

Slowly, very slowly, trickles of emotion started to seep through

But it was not really me, 

Before he came along I was a loving, sunny, caring person

I loved children & babies, 

Everyone expected me to skip into motherhood

I could not marry these dull feelings with the feelings I had before him

Weeks passed & the feelings still didn't come but the anxiety & the guilt grew

My symptoms didn't fall into normal postnatal depression

But then one day I started to cry

I didn't understand what was happening to me

I couldn't understand why I didn't love something I wanted so much

I cried each time my parents left as I worried about how we would cope without them

My Mother was my rock & I felt I needed her constantly

Then one day, when she was leaving, I cried all day

I knew something was very wrong

I went to see my GP

I was diagnosed with Postnatal depression

But the medication they gave me made me worse, I seriously contemplated running away

I didn't want to see anyone or go out of the house

Life seemed even greyer, darker, I felt really scared

Luckily I continued to confide in my husband

I told him how I felt & he told me to stop the drugs

Then I saw a psychiatrist & he diagnosed me with Post-traumatic stress then everything began to slot into place. 

The trauma I had experienced over the last year had caused this

The symptoms all fitted

I didn't want to go on drugs I thought I could fight it now I had a name for it

I thought counselling could get me through

But try as I might I just wasn't getting any better. 

Eventually, I was put on the correct medication, 

My whole body relaxed, my mind began to relax and I slept!

After much soul searching, we employed a night nanny

My parents continued to help with everything 

A close friend began to help out too

One day as I bathed my son I thought about the people around me, 

my son had grown incredibly close to his grandparents,

He had bonded with his daddy, 

He was happy to laugh & play with our night nanny, 

He had a new wonderful aunty in the form our my close friend,

At 8 weeks old he had a circle of love around him

I too had that circle of love, 

I was taking each day one step at a time, 

But each time I did something new I felt a bit better, 

My friend accompanied on shopping trips with my little man, 

My Mum went with me the first time I took him in the car, 

My husband worked part-time so he could be with us whenever he could,

I started to feel better, 

I started to think things would be alright, 

Then one day, after I had bathed my son, 

We were alone together as I dried him & put on his cream. 

I smiled down at him as I always did.

And I felt it… that huge surge of love for my little man, 

I wept with happiness & showered him with kisses.

My little one is now 15 months and amazing!

He is such a sunny, happy chap, 

We have bonded so well, in fact, the first thing I taught him was how to give kisses

I am completely back to my old, confident, bubbly self.  

I feel incredibly close to my son & privileged to have him. 

And we are lucky enough to still have the same wonderful circle of loving people around us

If this helps just one person I will be happy!