In the beginning...PTSD birth

 When I was pregnant with my 'bundle of joy' I remember my friend saying that having a baby is a bit like a bomb going of in your life, she said it would turn our lives upside down and not always in a good way. I was shocked by this notion and ignored her thinking to myself 'she has never been that into babies'. I also read a book which said "Don't worry if you don't fall instantly in love with your new baby" I closed the book in disgust. I remember saying to my mother "why would anyone not love their baby?"   

I had worked as a child minder, a nanny and a Primary School Teacher for goodness sakes! I loved babies and children...everyone expected me to be a natural. 

I had all the preconceived ideas, re-enforced by media pictures (just type 'new mum' into Google and you will see beautiful women holding smiling babies). The thing is I thought I was prepared; I knew that yes, it would be hard work and yes, we would be sleep deprived but as every parent tells you nothing can truly prepare you for having a new baby.    

My husband and I had a lovely life of holidays abroad, meals out, evenings in the pub with our mates or just chilling at home on the sofa. As we were past our partying days we were quite sure that the new baby would not change things between us too dramatically. We could still have our nights in, only we would have a baby upstairs and we would be more tired.  

However, we did not bank on a difficult birth, a challenging recovery and a big dose of post traumatic stress and postnatal depression. Hence the title of my blog...You are a new Mum (kaboom). 

I started my labour in a lovely room called a 'snug' all ready to breath through the whole thing and birth beautifully into a pool of blue. Look, I knew it wash't going to be orgasmic or even a particularly nice experience but nothing prepared me for the reality. I was moved to the medical room, as I had been in active labour for too long. The hospital were so short staffed I had to wait hours and hours for any pain relief. I think as it dawned on me that I had no control and no-one at the hospital could help me, the trauma began to set in. When they started saying that my little one was in distress my anxieties grew.

When our little boy finally made his appearance he cried out once and then there was silence. People rushed into the room as alarms sounded and as I repeatedly asked "is he okay?" he was whisked away to be resuscitated. I was terrified that I was about to lose him. You see, we had been here before, staring at grainy picture of a pregnancy that was not to be, willing the sonographer not to say those words "I'm sorry I can't find a heartbeat". I had miscarried and now I thought I was about to lose my second baby. I went completely numb looking at him on that table. Apparently, at that point my brain shut down and I shut off to protect myself.  

I remember feeling very disconnected when my baby was laid on top me. He was wriggling and I tried to think the correct thoughts "this is our baby, we have a baby, our baby". In all honesty it felt odd, like he was not really there. I am not sure my brain could process the fact that he was okay. 

I became very unwell after the birth and was in hospital for 3 days. Whilst I was haemorrhaging blood, I was told that my bladder had been displaced, dear lord no-one wants to hear that your bladder is moving around your body! We asked for a private room and we were put on a side room in the prenatal ward I am shouting that out. If you ever get offered such a thing just say NO. We were mostly neglected and forgotten about. I had what people term 'a normal birth' so I was given the minimum amount of care. 

Let me tell you, haemorrhaging is pretty scary, especially when you have no idea that such a thing could even happen. My parents and my husband looked scared which really freaked me out. Every so often a midwife would pop in to empty my pee bag (I know- no one warns you about that) and tell me the bleeding was normal?!? I ended up boarder line for a blood transfusion... that's not normal people! I was extremely unwell and was also trying to learn how to breast feed and look after a baby. I can only liken it to having car accident and then being given a baby to look after, it was madness. 

I remember looking over at the baby, when I was in hospital, and whispering to my husband 'I don't feel how I am supposed to feel towards him.' My counsellor tells me that I went into survival mode, fight or flight. I was so busy looking after myself that the bonding process was delayed. 

My husband supported me through so much. I became so anxious after the birth, as I was not physically strong enough to look after my baby. I would physically shake at the idea of taking the baby anywhere as the anaemia made me feel so faint. The adrenaline and anxiety meant I had not slept in the 3 days I had been in hospital, even after I got home sleep evaded me. I worried about everything, constantly. It was exhausting for everyone. 

I tried to buy my way out of the situation via Amazon. I bought everything and I mean everything! I bought extra feeding pillows, extra anti-colic bottles, extra bottle warmers, a spare bed for helpers (even though we had spare beds). I even bought a new fridge to put bottles upstairs to stop us from tripping over the cat on the stairs! My frantic mood was down to PTSD but we did not know this at the time. 

I think I, like many others, thought that mothers with PND (I didn't even know about Mothers with PTSD) were just new Mum's who found life a little hard after a baby, that they cried a lot and were lonely. I did not know that it was a dark illness which fogs your mind, makes you feel like you are no-good, makes you forget who you were or how you even managed before. I did not know that it would rob me of my first precious months with my son. I did not know that I would smile when visitors came even though inside I wanted to run away. I did not know it would make me feel like I had made a huge mistake, like I was failing my son everyday. It took over 12 weeks for me to feel that smallest rush of love and that love still grows and diminishes even after 16 weeks! 

Things with my little one are getting easier and I do enjoy him now but I am lucky enough to have help and support. I understand that now I am physically strong enough to look after my little man, but mentally I am still very fragile.

I found it very hard to accept my condition and I am sure there are others out there just like me. I have decided to write this blog to help others who are having a tough time as a Mum. I am going to write about what happens to me and how things have move on. 

My parting comment: It's okay if you feel like a bomb has gone off in your life & to mourn the life you had before. You do have a new life waiting for you and with the right help & support things can get better. I know ... I have been there.