If relationships were like having a baby

If relationships were like having a baby

So you're in a new relationship..

1) Getting to know one another

Some relationships start with a burst of love, others with a little trickle which grows and some start with you feeling like a bewildered mess of emotions with both partners not really sure what they've let themselves in for. Let me re-assure you all these feelings are completely normal!

2) Co-habiting

Feelings of wanting to have a minutes peace, wanting a tidy house, wanting there to be less washing or wanting to run away screaming should not alarm you. The first few months of co-habiting can be tricky especially when your new addition is a smelly, noisy, whiney person who is not good with communication skills.

3) Co-sleeping

If you co-sleep you may roll over and squash your partner - so please don't do that.

Kissing (akin to breastfeeding)

When kissing, hold the back of your partner's head firmly and thrust it forward, towards your face. Ensure there is a tight seal otherwise you may be unsuccessful and your partner pull away or worse bite you! DO NOT try your own technique of simply softly holding you partner and gently introducing them to kissing, even though  this has been used for centuries it is WRONG and does not work.

You must persevere even if your partner seems unhappy or wails incessantly - even if this makes you miserable.

It is okay to kiss in public but please cover yourselves with a designer veil when doing so.

4) Cuddling

Always cuddle your partner on the floor.. not on a bed, never on a bed! You and your partner may roll off the bed and seriously injure yourselves.

5) Eating

Always feed your partner organic only produce as any introduction of processed food could cause ill health and ultimately you are poisoning your partner. If you cannot afford organic food it's better you both starve.

If your partner was not breastfed as a child dump them - their immune system has been hugely compromised by their selfish mother.

6) Professional help

Now you are in a new relationship someone will be assigned to come into your home every week to assess how your relationship is going. This will not be a person chosen by you, who has the same ideals, hopes and dreams. It will not even be someone who knows you, it will be a complete stranger.

As you are in a vulnerable state this person will advise you on how best to conduct your relationship. 99% of these professionals are lovely, caring and knowledgable. Good luck if you get the 1%.

7) Your 1 year anniversary

Congratulations! You have made it through 1 year together.

At this point, you are beginning to feel like you really know one another.

If things are going well all professional support will be withdrawn and you will now soar through the rest of your relationship like a consumate professional, either that or you'll completely blag it like the rest of us. Enjoy!