2 years on from PTSD

So My little man is about to be 2 years old.

Back when he was tiny I remember people saying to me 'enjoy it, it will rush by and you will miss that baby stage." I remember very clearly thinking, "you're all completely mad!" How anyone could think those first few months were lovely was beyond me. I was exhausted, anxious and stressed. I felt incredibly guilty for desperately mourning my old life and just couldn't see a time when I would enjoy being a Mummy.

These feelings were so far removed from what had expected to feel. Just before my son was born I would buy baby magazines dreaming about how wonderful it would be to choose his little outfits, to teach him things and to dance in the mirror holding him. I identified with the shining examples of motherhood emblazoned on the covers of these magazines.

After I had had my son, I was sure that I had been lied to. I hated to see those same magazines and felt completely duped. I found those first few weeks and months horrendous. I know now that it was worse because I was so unwell and that the PTSD had fogged my mind and was making me feel everything in a heightened state. When people would tell me how much I should enjoy him I felt like punching them... If only I could enjoy him!

But as the fog cleared I began to feel those trickles of love, his first smile made me smile, his first laugh made me laugh and the first kiss made me melt. The fog lifted slowly and my confidence began to return and I began to feel a little more like myself. As my son grew older people continued to tell me that I would miss that baby stage. However, I shocked people with my response, the more confident me would simply say "No I won't... it was shit!" I would usually qualify this by saying how much I enjoy him now, how I love teaching him things and how I adore dancing around the living room with him. But I have to say I have never picked up a kids magazine since he was born... maybe it's time to cross that bridge too.